1 00:00:02,335 --> 00:00:04,135 Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show. 2 00:00:04,203 --> 00:00:05,737 We put a bunch of people on a plane, 3 00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:07,372 fly them over the Atlantic, 4 00:00:07,439 --> 00:00:09,707 then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals 5 00:00:09,775 --> 00:00:12,026 that the pilot is a six-year-old boy. 6 00:00:12,147 --> 00:00:15,806 We call it "Child Hell Flight." 7 00:00:15,874 --> 00:00:17,258 Get out of here! 8 00:00:17,326 --> 00:00:18,800 - He is pitching a no-hitter. - What? 9 00:00:18,868 --> 00:00:20,040 Starting at 4:00 P.M. yesterday, 10 00:00:20,108 --> 00:00:22,588 when Mr. Donaghy coined the word "innoventually," 11 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,993 - he has been flawless. - So why do I have to leave? 12 00:00:25,061 --> 00:00:27,798 Because you have so many unsolvable problems, 13 00:00:27,866 --> 00:00:29,200 like your mouth. 14 00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:31,232 It looks like somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour. 15 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,901 [Thud] Ow! 16 00:00:32,969 --> 00:00:34,373 Good news, Jonathan. 17 00:00:34,441 --> 00:00:36,177 "Child hell flight" will "innoventually" 18 00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:37,946 be on the spring schedule. 19 00:00:38,014 --> 00:00:39,212 Oh! Congratulations, sir. 20 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,547 Miss Lemon was just leaving. 21 00:00:41,614 --> 00:00:43,115 Oh, no. Lemon, please come in. 22 00:00:43,183 --> 00:00:44,384 When you're pitching a perfect game, 23 00:00:44,451 --> 00:00:45,685 you don't walk Albert Pujols 24 00:00:45,753 --> 00:00:48,923 and you are the Albert Pujols of having problems. 25 00:00:48,991 --> 00:00:50,492 Perfect game, huh? 26 00:00:50,559 --> 00:00:52,928 I haven't done a single thing wrong 27 00:00:52,996 --> 00:00:54,563 in almost 24 hours, 28 00:00:54,631 --> 00:00:56,565 and I'm including sex last night. 29 00:00:56,633 --> 00:00:59,569 Here's Avery's thank-you note. 30 00:00:59,636 --> 00:01:01,938 Ugh! She likes that? 31 00:01:02,006 --> 00:01:04,207 No, but she respects it when it's done correctly. 32 00:01:04,275 --> 00:01:06,943 Lemon, you may be witnessing history here. 33 00:01:07,011 --> 00:01:08,946 Making it through a full 24 hours 34 00:01:09,014 --> 00:01:10,949 without a single misstep is called "reaganing." 35 00:01:11,016 --> 00:01:12,817 The only other people who have ever done it... 36 00:01:12,885 --> 00:01:14,853 Lee Iaccoca, Jack Welch, and... no judgment... 37 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:16,054 Saddam Hussein. 38 00:01:16,122 --> 00:01:18,156 So what have you got for me? 39 00:01:18,224 --> 00:01:19,558 I need to get out to Newark airport. 40 00:01:19,626 --> 00:01:21,627 Carol's on a layover, and I really have to see him. 41 00:01:21,694 --> 00:01:22,895 You're horny, and you want to get some. 42 00:01:22,962 --> 00:01:24,496 - I get it. - Ew, Jack, gross. 43 00:01:24,564 --> 00:01:25,831 Come on. 44 00:01:25,899 --> 00:01:28,100 I just want to see him, and I can't get a cab, 45 00:01:28,168 --> 00:01:30,770 because Greece is playing Pakistan in soccer. 46 00:01:30,837 --> 00:01:32,571 Problem solved. I'll take you. 47 00:01:32,639 --> 00:01:33,672 Really? 48 00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:35,107 I'll drop you off at the airport, 49 00:01:35,175 --> 00:01:36,108 then I'll swing by MSNBC. 50 00:01:36,176 --> 00:01:37,409 I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. 51 00:01:37,477 --> 00:01:40,179 Only one of us can have this haircut. 52 00:01:40,246 --> 00:01:43,148 [Upbeat jazzy music] 53 00:01:43,216 --> 00:01:53,256 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 54 00:01:58,831 --> 00:02:02,300 k-Swiss, I need to cancel my gig for hosting 55 00:02:02,368 --> 00:02:04,870 the MTV international video music awards. 56 00:02:04,938 --> 00:02:06,639 Why wasn't I invited to that? 57 00:02:06,706 --> 00:02:08,340 My single is number four in Japan. 58 00:02:08,408 --> 00:02:09,775 Choke me, choke me 59 00:02:09,842 --> 00:02:11,309 blonde like choke me 60 00:02:11,377 --> 00:02:12,577 tee-hee-hee-hee-hee 61 00:02:12,645 --> 00:02:14,013 I hate to bail, but I've been asked 62 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,181 to do a commercial for the boys and girls club of America, 63 00:02:16,249 --> 00:02:18,951 and I just can't turn down community service, 64 00:02:19,018 --> 00:02:20,885 because if I do, that judge will make me 65 00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:22,386 join the coast guard. 66 00:02:22,454 --> 00:02:24,054 Well, I also recently received 67 00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:25,789 an unexpected honor... 68 00:02:25,856 --> 00:02:28,892 From the carvel ice cream corporation. 69 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,427 They gave me this after I performed 70 00:02:30,494 --> 00:02:31,628 on their "Kidz 4-Eva!" float 71 00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:34,097 during last year's Thanksgiving day parade. 72 00:02:34,164 --> 00:02:36,232 Ice cream 73 00:02:36,299 --> 00:02:39,034 hey, don't you want some ice cream? 74 00:02:39,102 --> 00:02:41,002 I don't watch the Macy's parade. 75 00:02:41,070 --> 00:02:42,670 If I want to see a 50-foot spider man, 76 00:02:42,738 --> 00:02:46,507 I'll just go into my rec room, thank you. 77 00:02:46,574 --> 00:02:49,743 Kenneth, take this card and get a cake for the crew. 78 00:02:49,811 --> 00:02:52,078 Oh, that's very thoughtful, miss Maroney. 79 00:02:52,146 --> 00:02:54,114 Well, one of the camera guys just had a baby, 80 00:02:54,182 --> 00:02:55,582 and I'm sick of hearing about it. 81 00:02:55,650 --> 00:02:58,551 This will put me back on top. 82 00:02:58,619 --> 00:02:59,686 [Horn honks] 83 00:02:59,754 --> 00:03:00,854 What's wrong, Lemon? 84 00:03:00,921 --> 00:03:02,321 When I see you chew your nails like that, 85 00:03:02,389 --> 00:03:04,023 I'd say that you're very anxious, 86 00:03:04,091 --> 00:03:05,826 or you've handled some ham earlier. 87 00:03:05,893 --> 00:03:07,160 When I get to the airport, 88 00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:08,995 I'm going to break up with Carol. 89 00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:10,763 What? Lemon, I am shocked. 90 00:03:10,831 --> 00:03:11,931 You two seemed so happy. 91 00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:13,266 The other day, I saw you in the lobby 92 00:03:13,333 --> 00:03:14,600 laughing together. 93 00:03:14,668 --> 00:03:16,502 A guy on crutches bit it in the revolving door, 94 00:03:16,570 --> 00:03:18,537 - and he was so scared. - So what's the problem? 95 00:03:18,605 --> 00:03:19,771 You ate spaghetti in front of him? 96 00:03:19,839 --> 00:03:20,839 Of course not. 97 00:03:20,907 --> 00:03:21,874 He got a fungus from your shower? 98 00:03:21,941 --> 00:03:22,908 No. 99 00:03:22,975 --> 00:03:24,442 You had a fight about something? 100 00:03:24,510 --> 00:03:26,678 No, we're not fighting. We don't fight. It's just... 101 00:03:26,745 --> 00:03:28,580 nothing. I don't want to talk about it. 102 00:03:28,647 --> 00:03:30,481 Lemon, I've known you for four years, 103 00:03:30,549 --> 00:03:32,583 and in that time, I've never known you 104 00:03:32,651 --> 00:03:35,052 to be shy about talking about anything. 105 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,554 Well, I found my first gray toe-knuckle hair. 106 00:03:37,622 --> 00:03:39,689 If I could push a button and five people in the world 107 00:03:39,757 --> 00:03:42,191 would die, but I'd get free cable for life, I'd do it. 108 00:03:42,259 --> 00:03:43,626 And I'd been on the toilet so long 109 00:03:43,694 --> 00:03:45,161 that my legs had fallen asleep, 110 00:03:45,229 --> 00:03:47,963 so when I tried to stand, I just fell into my throw-up. 111 00:03:48,031 --> 00:03:50,465 There is one thing you don't like to talk about. 112 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:52,200 Why aren't we moving? 113 00:03:52,268 --> 00:03:53,601 Sex, Lemon... 114 00:03:53,669 --> 00:03:56,304 Coitus, the beast with two backs. 115 00:03:56,371 --> 00:03:58,873 You and I have never had an adult conversation 116 00:03:58,941 --> 00:03:59,940 about boning. 117 00:04:00,008 --> 00:04:01,909 Ugh! Fine. 118 00:04:01,977 --> 00:04:06,046 Carol and I are having an intimacy problem. 119 00:04:06,114 --> 00:04:07,614 Okay, so tell me what happened. 120 00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,182 I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas, 121 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,084 and there was... 122 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,918 A performance issue. 123 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,286 That does happen to men. 124 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,688 I faced it myself with Greta van Susteren 125 00:04:16,755 --> 00:04:18,155 before her head transplant. 126 00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:20,791 You know, why don't I call Carol? 127 00:04:20,858 --> 00:04:22,258 No, don't do that. 128 00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:24,894 I'm "reaganing," Lemon. Let me solve this. 129 00:04:24,961 --> 00:04:26,128 It's not him. It's me. 130 00:04:26,196 --> 00:04:28,096 I'm the one with the performance problem. 131 00:04:28,164 --> 00:04:29,364 What are you talking about? 132 00:04:29,432 --> 00:04:32,300 I freaked out, and my junk closed for business. 133 00:04:32,368 --> 00:04:35,836 It's like Fort Knox down there. 134 00:04:35,904 --> 00:04:37,638 I'm just going to raise the barrier 135 00:04:37,705 --> 00:04:39,606 if that's okeydokey with everyone. 136 00:04:39,674 --> 00:04:43,243 It's kind of like that. 137 00:04:45,679 --> 00:04:47,446 Tracy, haven't seen you 138 00:04:47,514 --> 00:04:49,748 since I was directing "Garfield 3," and you ruined it. 139 00:04:49,816 --> 00:04:51,850 I had to move back in with my parents. 140 00:04:51,918 --> 00:04:52,984 I envy you. 141 00:04:53,052 --> 00:04:55,086 I don't really know my parents. 142 00:04:55,154 --> 00:04:57,621 Okay. Let me take you through the concept. 143 00:04:57,689 --> 00:04:59,523 It's all one shot, all right? 144 00:04:59,591 --> 00:05:01,291 We start on a boy shooting a basketball, 145 00:05:01,359 --> 00:05:03,326 pan to some girls double-dutching, 146 00:05:03,394 --> 00:05:05,828 then we pass the kid who does a flip on a trampoline, 147 00:05:05,896 --> 00:05:07,963 follow a skateboarder who jumps the curb 148 00:05:08,031 --> 00:05:11,599 and whizzes past you for your line. 149 00:05:11,667 --> 00:05:12,767 What line? 150 00:05:12,835 --> 00:05:15,036 "Boys and girls clubs of America, 151 00:05:15,103 --> 00:05:16,203 be great." 152 00:05:16,271 --> 00:05:19,540 We faxed the script to someone named Grizz. 153 00:05:19,607 --> 00:05:21,441 Scripts get in the way of my process, Shawn. 154 00:05:21,509 --> 00:05:26,112 Let's just shoot a hundred of these and see what we get. 155 00:05:26,179 --> 00:05:28,380 Here's your cake, miss Maroney. 156 00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:30,415 [Gasps] Let's see. 157 00:05:30,483 --> 00:05:31,817 "Jenny"? 158 00:05:31,885 --> 00:05:34,353 That's not my name. 159 00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:35,921 I don't want wheelchair Jenny from accounting 160 00:05:35,989 --> 00:05:37,422 getting credit for my cake. 161 00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,023 Take it back to carvel. 162 00:05:39,091 --> 00:05:40,958 But then they'll just throw it out. 163 00:05:41,026 --> 00:05:42,359 So? 164 00:05:42,427 --> 00:05:44,094 I know food's plentiful around here, miss Maroney, 165 00:05:44,162 --> 00:05:46,863 but back home on our pig farm, times are tough. 166 00:05:46,931 --> 00:05:49,965 We've had to sell off Sally, Julie, and poppy. 167 00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:51,633 Are those some of your pigs? 168 00:05:51,701 --> 00:05:53,468 Yes. 169 00:05:53,536 --> 00:05:55,437 Take the cake back, Kenneth. 170 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:01,742 You know, your little problem makes sense, Lemon. 171 00:06:01,810 --> 00:06:04,576 You have more sexual hang-ups than an adult chat line 172 00:06:04,643 --> 00:06:06,143 run by Gilbert Gottfried. 173 00:06:06,211 --> 00:06:07,478 What? 174 00:06:07,546 --> 00:06:09,213 That was written by a computer program 175 00:06:09,281 --> 00:06:10,514 we're working on to replace you. 176 00:06:10,582 --> 00:06:12,415 No, I don't have hang-ups. 177 00:06:12,483 --> 00:06:14,750 You don't think you're a bit of a prude... 178 00:06:14,818 --> 00:06:17,520 A little squeamish and conservative? 179 00:06:17,587 --> 00:06:19,221 Sex always makes things worse. 180 00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:22,225 Jack, why don't you just say you want some...? 181 00:06:22,293 --> 00:06:24,394 - Is that sex, Lemon? - Is the way I do it. 182 00:06:24,461 --> 00:06:25,394 We are lovers. 183 00:06:25,462 --> 00:06:26,762 Oh, that word bums me out 184 00:06:26,830 --> 00:06:28,898 unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza." 185 00:06:28,966 --> 00:06:30,700 Ugh! She likes that? 186 00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:32,936 Okay, fine. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. 187 00:06:33,003 --> 00:06:34,070 I'm sorry I'm a real woman 188 00:06:34,138 --> 00:06:36,572 and not some oversexed New York nympho 189 00:06:36,639 --> 00:06:40,107 like those sluts on everybody loves Raymond. 190 00:06:40,174 --> 00:06:41,741 Wow. This may be the greatest challenge 191 00:06:41,809 --> 00:06:43,742 a potential "reaganer" has ever faced. 192 00:06:43,810 --> 00:06:46,344 I'm gonna fix you and save your relationship with Carol. 193 00:06:46,412 --> 00:06:47,679 I don't need to be fixed. 194 00:06:47,747 --> 00:06:50,181 - Has it happened before? - Yes... 195 00:06:50,249 --> 00:06:52,249 With my college boyfriend Joel Sucheki, 196 00:06:52,317 --> 00:06:54,884 a couple of times with Dennis, and now Carol. 197 00:06:54,952 --> 00:06:56,552 There has to be a root cause, maybe from your past. 198 00:06:56,620 --> 00:06:57,653 There isn't, Jack. 199 00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,188 There's got to be something. Go deep. 200 00:06:59,256 --> 00:07:00,756 You think I haven't thought about this? 201 00:07:00,824 --> 00:07:02,024 - There's nothing. - Dig. Dig down. 202 00:07:02,092 --> 00:07:03,391 Dive into the sexual abyss. 203 00:07:03,459 --> 00:07:04,492 Stop it, Jack! Stop it! 204 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:07,794 Stop asking about the roller skates! 205 00:07:11,766 --> 00:07:13,366 And...Action! 206 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,335 [Inspirational music] 207 00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:30,815 What's my cue? 208 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:32,149 You know what? It doesn't matter. 209 00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:33,416 I don't know my lines. 210 00:07:33,483 --> 00:07:34,415 Cut! 211 00:07:34,483 --> 00:07:36,650 [Car horns honking] 212 00:07:36,718 --> 00:07:38,985 Tracy, we're causing a huge traffic jam. 213 00:07:39,053 --> 00:07:40,820 We're causing a huge traffic jam 214 00:07:40,888 --> 00:07:42,989 while getting paid to make dreams. 215 00:07:43,057 --> 00:07:45,193 We're the luckiest people on earth. 216 00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:47,194 Now someone get me a jolt cola! 217 00:07:47,262 --> 00:07:49,229 It does not exist anymore! 218 00:07:52,533 --> 00:07:55,001 Here's the money back from carvel, miss Maroney... 219 00:07:55,069 --> 00:07:57,937 $23.94. 220 00:07:58,005 --> 00:08:00,106 Hang on. She gave you cash? 221 00:08:00,173 --> 00:08:01,340 Oh, yes, I'm sorry. 222 00:08:01,408 --> 00:08:03,441 I told the girl I didn't have your card, so... 223 00:08:03,509 --> 00:08:06,243 she must have thought you meant credit card. 224 00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:09,212 How many cashiers are at that store? 225 00:08:09,279 --> 00:08:11,079 Two. This is fun. 226 00:08:11,147 --> 00:08:12,314 Oh, my God. 227 00:08:12,382 --> 00:08:14,148 We could run the short grift on this. 228 00:08:14,216 --> 00:08:16,417 It's been years since my mom and I 229 00:08:16,485 --> 00:08:18,653 used to pull slip-and-falls at supermarkets. 230 00:08:18,721 --> 00:08:20,088 I thought I was done with that life, 231 00:08:20,156 --> 00:08:22,325 but this is too good. 232 00:08:22,392 --> 00:08:24,627 We can pull an Arizona double-back on them, Kenneth. 233 00:08:24,695 --> 00:08:26,596 I don't understand what you're saying, 234 00:08:26,664 --> 00:08:28,698 but I like that it has the word "we" in it. 235 00:08:32,069 --> 00:08:33,836 I'd like to order a cake that reads, 236 00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,571 "Happy Birthday, Blenna." 237 00:08:35,638 --> 00:08:39,474 - "Blenna"? - Yes. 238 00:08:39,542 --> 00:08:41,909 I'm sorry, miss, but there's been a mistake with this cake, 239 00:08:41,977 --> 00:08:43,911 and I'm afraid I don't have the card. 240 00:08:43,979 --> 00:08:45,179 Okay, um, I'm sorry. 241 00:08:45,246 --> 00:08:46,980 Um, I'll just give you cash back. 242 00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,582 [Cash register beeps] 243 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:52,452 I need a "happy blirthday, Jennica" cake. 244 00:08:58,258 --> 00:08:59,658 Yes. 245 00:08:59,726 --> 00:09:01,793 "Bappy hirthday, Gremlin." 246 00:09:06,531 --> 00:09:09,332 Lemon, what do you want to tell me about the, uh... 247 00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:10,332 Roller skates? 248 00:09:10,400 --> 00:09:11,633 Why are we not moving? 249 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:14,034 What is causing this traffic jam? 250 00:09:14,102 --> 00:09:17,003 [Inspirational music] 251 00:09:29,715 --> 00:09:31,647 I'm sorry. I have an erection. 252 00:09:31,715 --> 00:09:33,548 I think it's the sound of the skateboard. 253 00:09:33,616 --> 00:09:36,351 We're going again. Everybody safely back to one. 254 00:09:36,419 --> 00:09:39,320 Let me help you. I am unstoppable today. 255 00:09:39,388 --> 00:09:40,721 If it'll make it any easier, 256 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:44,225 imagine you're telling your story to Reagan himself. 257 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,260 [Imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Liz, will you tell 258 00:09:46,327 --> 00:09:48,962 the gipper your sexual story? 259 00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:52,532 Mommy? 260 00:09:52,599 --> 00:09:55,000 I was nine years old. 261 00:09:55,068 --> 00:09:56,969 I was roller-skating in the house, 262 00:09:57,036 --> 00:09:58,670 which was absolutely forbidden. 263 00:09:58,738 --> 00:10:00,505 I was skating down the hallway 264 00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:02,973 on top of the world with my new skates 265 00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,108 and my new haircut, which everybody thought 266 00:10:05,175 --> 00:10:08,578 was a Dorothy Hamill, but was actually a Pete rose. 267 00:10:08,646 --> 00:10:11,347 Anyway, I needed to go to the bathroom, 268 00:10:11,414 --> 00:10:13,349 but the door was locked. 269 00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:16,052 My recently divorced aunt had moved in with us, 270 00:10:16,119 --> 00:10:17,920 and I was sharing a bathroom with her. 271 00:10:17,987 --> 00:10:21,188 To be prepared, I tried to take my underpants off 272 00:10:21,256 --> 00:10:23,490 over my roller skates. 273 00:10:23,558 --> 00:10:26,026 I slipped, and as I fell, 274 00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:29,596 I pulled down this poster of the singer Tom Jones 275 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,830 that my aunt had put up. 276 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:34,700 My mom heard the noise and ran and found me... 277 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,034 Squirming under the Tom Jones poster 278 00:10:37,102 --> 00:10:40,704 with my underpants around my ankles. 279 00:10:40,772 --> 00:10:44,541 It didn't look good, Jack. 280 00:10:44,609 --> 00:10:47,410 She thought I did it on purpose. 281 00:10:47,477 --> 00:10:49,411 And she didn't say a word. 282 00:10:49,479 --> 00:10:52,981 She just went in my room and took all my posters... 283 00:10:53,049 --> 00:10:56,117 grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox, 284 00:10:56,184 --> 00:10:59,453 Han Solo, Tug McGraw, 285 00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:02,156 Mike Schmidt, Kermit, 286 00:11:02,224 --> 00:11:04,125 Gunther Gebel-Williams. 287 00:11:04,192 --> 00:11:06,961 She took all the people away, Jack. 288 00:11:07,029 --> 00:11:09,395 Sex makes the people go away! 289 00:11:14,531 --> 00:11:17,832 I'm gonna see what's up with this traffic. 290 00:11:20,702 --> 00:11:22,402 Oh, here's your money back, ma'am. 291 00:11:22,470 --> 00:11:24,837 Boy, they sure are making a lot of mistakes over there today. 292 00:11:24,905 --> 00:11:26,637 Do you really not understand what we're doing? 293 00:11:26,705 --> 00:11:27,805 Of course I do. 294 00:11:27,873 --> 00:11:29,473 We're standing here talking, 295 00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:32,844 adding brick after brick to our friendship castle 296 00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:36,516 so it someday reaches the sky. 297 00:11:36,584 --> 00:11:38,151 With carvel, Kenneth. 298 00:11:38,218 --> 00:11:39,652 We're conning them. 299 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:42,955 I'm ordering messed-up cakes and getting them free with my card. 300 00:11:43,023 --> 00:11:45,124 Then you're returning them for cash. 301 00:11:45,192 --> 00:11:47,259 We're selling back free cakes. 302 00:11:47,327 --> 00:11:49,561 But, miss Maroney, that's wrong 303 00:11:49,629 --> 00:11:51,863 and illegal. [gasps] 304 00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:54,766 If cookie puss knew, he'd tear us apart with his fangs. 305 00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:56,767 Well, here's your cut. 306 00:11:56,835 --> 00:11:59,569 We're not hurting anybody. Carvel's got plenty of money. 307 00:11:59,637 --> 00:12:00,570 - But the... - Shh. 308 00:12:00,637 --> 00:12:02,204 I need a partner to pull this off 309 00:12:02,272 --> 00:12:03,873 and think of all the good you can do 310 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:05,374 with that money back home. 311 00:12:05,442 --> 00:12:07,109 They do need help. 312 00:12:07,177 --> 00:12:09,044 And with enough money, they could buy 313 00:12:09,111 --> 00:12:11,179 those magic beans from that old hermit. 314 00:12:11,246 --> 00:12:12,480 We'd be rich. 315 00:12:12,547 --> 00:12:13,580 Hang on. 316 00:12:13,648 --> 00:12:15,815 Why isn't the hermit rich? 317 00:12:15,883 --> 00:12:18,417 Oh, wait. He is. He has a lot of friends. 318 00:12:18,485 --> 00:12:20,552 Take the money, Kenneth. 319 00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,387 Help your family. 320 00:12:22,455 --> 00:12:24,622 No one will ever know. 321 00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:30,694 [Inspirational music] 322 00:12:42,572 --> 00:12:44,439 Shirt on or off, Shawn? 323 00:12:44,507 --> 00:12:45,773 - On! - Good note! 324 00:12:45,841 --> 00:12:46,773 Back to one! 325 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,974 Hey, Jackie d! 326 00:12:49,042 --> 00:12:52,477 Let's take a quick 500 so everybody can meet Jack! 327 00:12:52,545 --> 00:12:53,778 You know him? 328 00:12:53,846 --> 00:12:56,747 Please help me get his line. Fix this. 329 00:12:56,815 --> 00:13:00,484 No, I don't need any more problems to solve, 330 00:13:00,551 --> 00:13:02,755 especially not him. 331 00:13:02,822 --> 00:13:04,589 I am the Sisyphus of "reaganing." 332 00:13:04,657 --> 00:13:06,190 Yeah! 333 00:13:06,258 --> 00:13:08,360 That's the kind of stuff I should be saying. 334 00:13:08,428 --> 00:13:12,031 It's in my head now. Let's roll. 335 00:13:12,099 --> 00:13:14,099 I'm sorry, jelly beans. 336 00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:17,268 I know how much the gipper liked you, and... 337 00:13:17,336 --> 00:13:19,337 I've failed him. 338 00:13:19,404 --> 00:13:21,138 It's funny. 339 00:13:21,206 --> 00:13:23,207 I remember George Shultz telling me 340 00:13:23,275 --> 00:13:25,175 how later in Reagan's presidency 341 00:13:25,243 --> 00:13:28,644 when his mind was, uh, resting... 342 00:13:28,712 --> 00:13:31,548 How they would use jelly beans to convince people 343 00:13:31,616 --> 00:13:33,616 that he was... 344 00:13:33,684 --> 00:13:35,651 That's it. 345 00:13:35,719 --> 00:13:37,119 I know how to fix Tracy. 346 00:13:37,187 --> 00:13:38,887 Make him eat these. 347 00:13:38,955 --> 00:13:40,355 I'll take care of the rest. 348 00:13:40,423 --> 00:13:43,324 [Inspirational music] 349 00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:56,735 [imitating Tracy] Boys and girls clubs of America, 350 00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:58,637 be great. 351 00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,138 Oh, my God. 352 00:14:00,206 --> 00:14:01,673 We got it! 353 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,374 [Cheers and applause] 354 00:14:03,442 --> 00:14:06,410 I'm on my way, Liz Lemon. 355 00:14:06,478 --> 00:14:09,079 Make way. I'm "reaganing." 356 00:14:10,734 --> 00:14:12,132 Don't you worry. 357 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,567 I'm sending you some money so you can get your operation. 358 00:14:15,435 --> 00:14:17,035 Now, can you put a human on the phone? 359 00:14:17,103 --> 00:14:18,403 [Dial tone] 360 00:14:18,471 --> 00:14:20,104 Hello? 361 00:14:25,943 --> 00:14:27,110 Well, Kenneth, it's over. 362 00:14:27,177 --> 00:14:28,611 I got made at carvel. 363 00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:31,680 They figured out our scam and gave me this. 364 00:14:31,748 --> 00:14:33,648 What? No. 365 00:14:33,716 --> 00:14:35,683 Sorry. It's the short grift. 366 00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:37,885 You got to walk away. 367 00:14:37,952 --> 00:14:39,553 We can't stop now. 368 00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:41,388 My family needs money. 369 00:14:41,455 --> 00:14:42,989 But they're onto us. 370 00:14:43,057 --> 00:14:45,658 I have another idea... For a long con. 371 00:14:45,725 --> 00:14:47,993 Kenneth, I know your intentions are good, 372 00:14:48,060 --> 00:14:50,361 but I don't like what this is doing to you. 373 00:14:50,429 --> 00:14:53,230 You seem meaner and stronger. 374 00:14:53,298 --> 00:14:56,733 What if you got a motorcycle, and we did it on it? 375 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,468 - Are you in or not? - What's the angle? 376 00:14:59,536 --> 00:15:02,804 Who else was on that Thanksgiving float with you? 377 00:15:02,871 --> 00:15:04,905 One last long grift, huh? 378 00:15:04,973 --> 00:15:07,307 Okay, I'm in. 379 00:15:07,375 --> 00:15:08,841 But one rule... 380 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:10,909 Anybody gets hurt during the score, 381 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:12,511 we leave them behind to die. 382 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,413 Now... 383 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:17,149 Who are you, and what are we doing? 384 00:15:17,216 --> 00:15:19,183 That cake is worth $40. 385 00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:20,851 I'm not sure we can do that. 386 00:15:20,919 --> 00:15:24,088 Liz wrote this sketch before she left. 387 00:15:24,156 --> 00:15:25,891 Ice-cream-cake eating contest? 388 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:28,794 Okay, we're gonna need about 20 cakes for this. 389 00:15:28,862 --> 00:15:30,028 I'll tell props. 390 00:15:30,096 --> 00:15:32,330 No, Pete. I'll tell props. 391 00:15:32,398 --> 00:15:33,598 Okay. 392 00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:35,132 Good afternoon. 393 00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,500 I would like 21 cakes that read, 394 00:15:36,568 --> 00:15:39,002 "Frajer reunion 2010." 395 00:15:39,070 --> 00:15:40,970 Isn't it "Frasier"? 396 00:15:41,038 --> 00:15:42,204 No, it's "Frajer." 397 00:15:42,272 --> 00:15:45,741 And I should know. I'm "Frajer." 398 00:16:10,797 --> 00:16:12,263 I mean, "Frajer"? 399 00:16:12,331 --> 00:16:13,331 Come on. 400 00:16:13,399 --> 00:16:15,200 I should throw some tossed salad 401 00:16:15,267 --> 00:16:18,670 and scrambled eggs at you. 402 00:16:20,374 --> 00:16:22,375 "Frajer." 403 00:16:29,148 --> 00:16:32,017 No. 404 00:16:32,084 --> 00:16:35,786 "Frajer"! 405 00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:38,021 We sold the cakes twice. 406 00:16:38,088 --> 00:16:40,322 You're a genius, Kenneth. 407 00:16:40,390 --> 00:16:42,223 $800 split 3 ways. 408 00:16:42,291 --> 00:16:44,091 Those ice-cream saps will rue the day 409 00:16:44,158 --> 00:16:45,792 they ever tangled with... 410 00:16:45,859 --> 00:16:47,393 The best friends gang. 411 00:16:47,461 --> 00:16:50,596 [All laughing] 412 00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,634 Lemon! Why did you leave? 413 00:16:54,702 --> 00:16:55,937 I'm trying to help you. 414 00:16:56,005 --> 00:16:58,273 You can't help me. No one can. 415 00:16:58,341 --> 00:17:00,707 Well, I'm fixing you, 416 00:17:00,775 --> 00:17:02,308 and I'm saving your relationship. 417 00:17:02,376 --> 00:17:03,542 I can do it. 418 00:17:03,609 --> 00:17:05,742 Look, sex is a beautiful, natural, 419 00:17:05,810 --> 00:17:09,045 and joyful part of our shared human experience. 420 00:17:09,113 --> 00:17:10,380 Hey, you two want to party? 421 00:17:10,448 --> 00:17:11,414 Now is not a good time, miss. 422 00:17:11,482 --> 00:17:12,782 $20 for a party, 423 00:17:12,850 --> 00:17:14,784 $60 to bite me during it. 424 00:17:14,851 --> 00:17:17,086 I'll do stuff with a dog, but I get to pick the dog. 425 00:17:17,153 --> 00:17:18,787 - People want that? - This is not helping! 426 00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:20,488 You want to watch me be with her? 427 00:17:20,556 --> 00:17:21,689 Me with you? 428 00:17:21,757 --> 00:17:23,490 Me and both of you without my leg? 429 00:17:23,558 --> 00:17:24,491 Thank you. 430 00:17:24,559 --> 00:17:25,959 Just, uh, take this 431 00:17:26,027 --> 00:17:27,260 and, uh, move along. 432 00:17:27,328 --> 00:17:28,594 You two are pretty uptight 433 00:17:28,662 --> 00:17:30,996 for hanging out under a bridge. 434 00:17:31,063 --> 00:17:33,330 Sex is horrible. 435 00:17:33,398 --> 00:17:35,699 [Cell phone vibrates] 436 00:17:35,766 --> 00:17:37,767 - What is it? - It's 4:00, sir. 437 00:17:37,835 --> 00:17:40,202 You did it... a day of perfect problem solving. 438 00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:42,370 Gifts have been coming in all afternoon. 439 00:17:42,438 --> 00:17:43,838 It's 4:00? 440 00:17:43,905 --> 00:17:45,539 And you fixed me, so... 441 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:46,541 Yay. 442 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,284 Send everything back. 443 00:17:48,351 --> 00:17:50,964 - What? Why? - I didn't do it. 444 00:17:51,032 --> 00:17:52,332 I failed. 445 00:17:52,399 --> 00:17:54,233 - It's her, isn't it? - Sorry. 446 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,835 I hate her, sir! 447 00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:04,007 Stupid cookie puss! 448 00:18:04,074 --> 00:18:05,475 Are you all right, miss? 449 00:18:05,542 --> 00:18:09,479 I just got fired 'cause Kelsey Grammer scammed me. 450 00:18:09,547 --> 00:18:10,848 Forget trying to go straight. 451 00:18:10,916 --> 00:18:15,686 I'm going back to working under that bridge. 452 00:18:15,754 --> 00:18:18,055 - I know. - [Laughs] 453 00:18:18,123 --> 00:18:19,389 Kenneth, we got a new con. 454 00:18:19,457 --> 00:18:20,857 We're gonna go down to Florida, 455 00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:22,659 open up a medical-supply store, 456 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:24,260 then get some social security numbers. 457 00:18:24,328 --> 00:18:26,062 Through seduction. 458 00:18:26,129 --> 00:18:27,463 I'm sorry, sir-ma'am. 459 00:18:27,530 --> 00:18:28,830 - I'm out. - What? 460 00:18:28,898 --> 00:18:30,265 Why? 461 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:32,033 Because miss Maroney was wrong. 462 00:18:32,101 --> 00:18:34,568 People did get hurt by our actions. 463 00:18:34,636 --> 00:18:37,271 And, yes, my family sure could use 464 00:18:37,338 --> 00:18:40,540 a couple hundred more dollars, but it's not right. 465 00:18:40,608 --> 00:18:42,408 A couple hundred dollars, huh? 466 00:18:42,476 --> 00:18:44,110 I think I can help you out. 467 00:18:44,177 --> 00:18:46,245 But first I'm gonna need $50 to get started. 468 00:18:46,313 --> 00:18:48,447 Kelsey, no. 469 00:18:48,515 --> 00:18:49,882 I'm proud of you, Kenneth. 470 00:18:49,949 --> 00:18:51,616 You've got a good heart. 471 00:18:51,684 --> 00:18:53,151 I hope you get into a car accident someday, 472 00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:54,619 so I can have it. 473 00:18:54,686 --> 00:18:56,520 Now there's only one thing left to do. 474 00:18:56,588 --> 00:18:58,622 Beat you out of the best friends gang. 475 00:18:58,690 --> 00:19:00,656 [Slaps fist] 476 00:19:08,664 --> 00:19:10,631 Well, it's been a pretty rough day, 477 00:19:10,699 --> 00:19:12,066 but at least we're in Newark now. 478 00:19:12,134 --> 00:19:13,767 What are you gonna do about Carol? 479 00:19:13,835 --> 00:19:15,568 I'm gonna break up with him, let him off the hook. 480 00:19:15,636 --> 00:19:17,269 That would be a mistake, Lemon. 481 00:19:17,337 --> 00:19:19,471 Yes, you are the sexual equivalent 482 00:19:19,539 --> 00:19:21,607 of a million hindenburgs, but you deserve 483 00:19:21,674 --> 00:19:23,475 someone like Carol in your life, 484 00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:24,942 and he deserves you, because... 485 00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:26,677 and I'm only gonna say this once a decade... 486 00:19:26,745 --> 00:19:28,279 you're great. 487 00:19:28,346 --> 00:19:30,747 You're Liz Lemon, damn it. 488 00:19:30,815 --> 00:19:32,415 In certain lights, you're an 8 489 00:19:32,483 --> 00:19:34,250 using east coast over-35 standards, 490 00:19:34,318 --> 00:19:35,618 excluding Miami. 491 00:19:35,686 --> 00:19:36,819 Thanks, Jack. 492 00:19:36,887 --> 00:19:38,487 You go in there, you grab Carol, 493 00:19:38,555 --> 00:19:40,489 you take him into one of those unisex family bathrooms, 494 00:19:40,557 --> 00:19:42,057 pull down that diaper-changing thing, 495 00:19:42,124 --> 00:19:43,992 and go to town on him. 496 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:46,026 I'll try, but if I couldn't get it done 497 00:19:46,094 --> 00:19:47,994 in Vegas after a Penn and Teller show, 498 00:19:48,095 --> 00:19:49,762 I don't know how it's gonna happen here. 499 00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:52,831 Wait a minute. 500 00:19:52,899 --> 00:19:54,799 You had your problem with Carol in Las Vegas? 501 00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:56,500 - So? - The Tom Jones poster. 502 00:19:56,568 --> 00:19:58,668 Tom Jones plays Vegas all the time. 503 00:19:58,736 --> 00:20:00,269 He has billboards everywhere. 504 00:20:00,337 --> 00:20:01,570 No kidding. 505 00:20:01,638 --> 00:20:03,705 There was one right outside our hotel-room window. 506 00:20:03,773 --> 00:20:05,106 Oh, my God. 507 00:20:05,174 --> 00:20:06,541 Think back to your college boyfriend. 508 00:20:06,609 --> 00:20:07,910 - Was there any... - Yes! 509 00:20:07,977 --> 00:20:09,612 When this happened with Joel, 510 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,014 what's new pussycat? Was playing 511 00:20:11,081 --> 00:20:12,248 on the bus we were on. 512 00:20:12,315 --> 00:20:13,482 I mean, the room we were in. 513 00:20:13,550 --> 00:20:14,616 And when it happened with Dennis, 514 00:20:14,684 --> 00:20:15,784 he had just gotten a perm. 515 00:20:15,851 --> 00:20:17,352 Tom Jones is the trigger. 516 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:20,154 He makes you remember your mother taking the people away. 517 00:20:20,221 --> 00:20:21,855 Does this mean I'm fixed? 518 00:20:21,922 --> 00:20:24,423 Oh, God, no. You've got years of therapy ahead of you, 519 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,724 probably electroshock. 520 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:28,259 But this is a breakthrough, Lemon, and a big one. 521 00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:30,694 Jack Donaghy, in my book, you're better than Reagan. 522 00:20:30,761 --> 00:20:32,462 I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill 523 00:20:32,529 --> 00:20:35,230 of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight. 524 00:20:38,434 --> 00:20:41,469 U-S-A! U-S-A! 525 00:20:41,537 --> 00:20:44,305 U-S-A! U-S-A! 526 00:20:47,176 --> 00:20:48,776 He's at JFK. 527 00:20:48,844 --> 00:20:50,545 I wrote it down wrong. 528 00:20:50,613 --> 00:20:53,947 Sync by honeybunny 00:21:32,493 I'm sorry. I was going to say, "climax." 545 00:21:32,561 --> 00:21:33,995 Ah! 546 00:21:34,045 --> 00:21:38,595 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0